Picking People to Hate 1
1 So, here’s a weird thing that happened to me. 2 I have this, uh, I have this t-shirt, and it says “awesome possum” on it. And it’s got a picture of a possum. 3 I know it’s stupid, but a friend of mine gave it to me... 4 Fuck you, I bought it. I thought it was cool. 5 But, uh, I- I’d never seen anybody with that same shirt before, with the awesome possum shirt. 6 And I was in this coffee place in L.A., you know, like a coffee- 7 Not like, uh... Like Starbucks, like an indie coffee place where all the cool people go... 8 And they’re like, ooh- eh-heh-eh-heh… 9 They got their, like, snow hats in the fucking summer and all that shit. 10 You know, those cool people. Huh, uh, and their iPods. 11 And they say cool things like, “Yeah, me, too.” Or whatever, you know. 12 And I just stand in the doorway and fucking hate them. 13 I don’t know why I go to the place, 14 I think it’s ’cause I hate them. 15 I just hate- there’s a certain part of the culture I just hate. 16 ‘Cause I grew up in Boston, and in Boston, people just beat the shit out of each other. For no reason. 17 They just beat the shit out of each other. 18 But I kind of think you need that, you know, to keep quality control. 19 ‘Cause in places where that doesn’t happen, people are just too free, and fuckin’- they’re just a bummer, you know? 20 Like I was once on Venice beach and I’m jogging, and there’s this guy rollerblading towards me. 21 And he’s-he’s got rollerblades on, and just a thong. 22 Just a fucking thong, that’s just grabbing this dick and balls and just fighting with it, going, “Ah, stay in there!” 23 And then he’s just total naked otherwise, and he’s got this Kenny G. hair. 24 And he’s just rollerblading, like- “I’m free!” 25 And I actually had to stop jogging, ’cause I needed my whole body to fucking hate this guy with. 26 I had to just… stand there going, “Oh, you motherfucker.” 27 Now I have to know you exist, you piece of shit. 28 Fucking go skate into an AIDs tree, you motherfucker.
Picking People to Hate 2
1 All right, now. I don’t know, I’ve started to kind of hate people and it’s not because I have anything against them. 2 It’s just I-I enjoy it, it’s just recreation. 3 Like, you know when you’re at the bank and you got nothing to do while you’re waiting in line, so you just pick people to hate while you’re waiting? 4 You just look at someone and form an opinion with no information. And it’s never positive. 5 Who fucking wastes their time- “I bet he’s a hard worker.” 6 Who thinks about that shit? – Skip over those people. 7 Then you find a guy. “Oh, look at his shoes, what a fucking asshole. 8 Oh, look at that piece of shit, hope he dies today. 9 Oh, god, I hate him.... I hate him!” 10 You watch all the shit--"Yeah, fill that out, you fuck face...fill it out. 11 Yeah, you filled it out, I knew it. You suck.” 12 He’s just standing there. He has no idea you’re just boiling with hate, you know? 13 I feel people hating me sometimes, you know. 14 Like, uh, I was at the post office, and I’m at the line-you know. 15 It was one of those things where there’s a long line and one window open. 16 So everyone is just like, “Aah!” everyone’s mad. 17 But when you’re in the line, you’re in the hate group. You get to be part of the group. 18 And you’re all looking at each other going, “Huh, huh… ” “Hmm...” Like a silent movie of impatient people, you know? 19 Then there’s always one person who breaks the silence. 20 Somebody who has an idea, you know, like, “They should open another window.” 21 And everybody’s like, “Yeah, I know. “Totally, they don’t even know. They don’t even know how to do anything.” 22 Then there’s always an old lady who has a story. “I was here on Wednesday… And there was also a line like this.” 23 Holy shit, really?! Oh, my god, you fucking old lady, that’s amazing! 24 Well, anyway, then it’s your turn at the window, right? 25 And now everybody’s looking at you. And you feel the scrutiny of how quickly you’re mailing your shit. 26 You start realizing how unimportant your package is, and you feel like they can tell. 27 “Fuck, get out of there. You don’t need to mail that right now.” 28 And it’s like… If you do one little extra thing like, “Do you have those stamps that have Jackie Robinson?” 29 Behind your ear, you hear like, “pfff, Jesus. Fuckin' dude.” 30 They put their shit down heavily like, “Fuck! “Now this motherfucker’s gonna make me stand here while he buys fucking stamps at the post office? Are you shitting me? 31 Let’s shit in his mouth right now, seriously. 32 Let’s--you fucking hold him down, and I will shit directly into his fucking time-wasting mouth.” 33 But anyway, yeah, so I was in the coffee place, uh, with the young people. 34 And they’re- “Ooh, heh, heh, heh.” And I’m standing in the doorway just fantasizing about walking around just hitting their cups to the floor, like this, you know. 35 Bagel, and coffee… And bagel… Ha ha ha. 36 And I see this guy, he’s like 20 years old, and he has the “awesome possum” shirt. Just like mine! 37 So, I went like this, I went, like, “Hey, nice shirt.” 38 And he went, “pfff”, and he walked away, like I’m a piece of shit. 39 And I stood there, and I was so mad. 40 I just thought, “Fuck him, man. We have the same shirt!” 41 It’s an unusual shirt. It’s perfectly appropriate to fucking do this shit. 42 Why does he have to make me feel like an old fag just ’cause I want to make a connection with another human being? 43 Is his generation just too cool and ironic? 44 “Eh, ooh, that’s lame. 45 The older guy wanted to- ooh, heh, eh.” 46 Fucking young cunt, I hope he dies. 47 Like, that’s how-that’s how mad I was. 48 And as I’m standing there, like, in that anger, I look down and I realize I’m not wearing the shirt, I don’t have it. 49 Ha ha ha ha. I don’t know why I thought I did. 50 I just- I saw his, and- “Duh, me too, duh! Duh!”