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Time Machine

Shameless 3

Louis CK


Time Machine


1 I have this friend,ย he has a phone that can IM. 2 He can instant message. 3 And so now I really want him to die, because Iโ€™m sick of getting these fucking messages from him onย his phone. 4 โ€œIโ€™m in a shoe store.โ€ 5 Thatโ€™s the whole message! 6 Weโ€™re not secret agents, I donโ€™t need to know where you are. 7 So I get this message from him, he says, โ€œIโ€™m on anย airplane in Seattle.โ€ 8 Soย I wrote back and I said, โ€œWell, I hope your plane crashes.โ€ 9 And he gets pissed off and he calls me. 10 โ€œTake it back, weโ€™re about to take off.โ€ 11 Iโ€™m like, โ€œFuck you, I hope itย  crashes. I donโ€™t have to take it back.โ€ 13 Hope it crashes twice. 14 Hope it crashes and kills half of you and they go, โ€œFuck it, letโ€™s fly again,โ€ and theyย  take off and crash again. 15 Iย  hope that happens. 16 Sincerely I hope it. 17 And he-he tries to make it-he goes, โ€œWell, how are you gonna feel now if my plane crashes after you wentย  and said that?โ€ 18 Iโ€™m like, "Areย  you shittinโ€™ me? That would be amazing! 19 To know that I can do that? 20 Iโ€™d happily trade your life for knowledge of my powers." 21 Heโ€™s one of those guys who just makes you hate him. 22 Because, uh, you know when you have a friend that you hate? 23 You canโ€™t break up with your friends, you know? 24 He always starts conversations that Iย donโ€™t want to have, you know?ย  25 Heโ€™s like, โ€œHey, what would you do if you had a time machine?โ€ 26 Iโ€™m like, "Fuck you. I donโ€™t โ€“ you know what? I wouldnโ€™t use it. 27 Iโ€™d just let it sitย  in my house. 28 Iโ€™d put a drink onย  it, you know? 29 I got a time machine, I never even went in it. 30 I donโ€™t know, Iโ€™m not interested. 31 Iโ€™d use it to go back 30 minutes ago and punchย you in the fucking face before youย ask me that. 32 Thatโ€™s all. One use. 33 So he goes, โ€œWell, hereโ€™s what I would do.โ€ 34 โ€˜Cause of course thatโ€™s the whole fucking point of asking me is to stare at me while I say mine, and then say his. 35 So he said if he had a time machine, he wouldโ€™ve killed Hitler, like, he would go back and kill Hitler. 36 I love that he thinks he could just kill Hitler justย  โ€™cause he just goes back there and walk up and kill the dude. 37 And I was thinking, "Thatโ€™s a noble purpose for a time machine, I would doย that." 38 But... I wouldโ€™ve gone back with him, but I wouldnโ€™t have killed Hitler. 39 I wouldโ€™ve raped him--thatโ€™s what I thought. 40 Because I think that wouldโ€™ve been enough. 41 I think thatย wouldโ€™ve stopped him from doing all thatย shit. 42 If he had been raped by me, he never wouldโ€™ve pulled any of that stuff, man. 43 โ€œShould we invade Poland?โ€ 44 โ€œNo, Iโ€™ll just take aย  shower, I donโ€™t feel good... Low self- esteem." 45 And, you knowโ€ฆ Iโ€™m not condoning rape. 46 Obviously, you should never rape anyone. 47 Um, unless you have a reason, like you want to fuck somebody and they wonโ€™t let you, in which case, uhโ€ฆ โ€“ what other option do you have? 48 How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you donโ€™t rape them?ย  49 Like, what the fuck? 50 Ha ha ha. Ok. 51 Thatโ€™s fucked up.


| SHAMELESS | CHEWED UP | HILARIOUS | BEACON | OH MY GOD | 2017 |

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