Shameless 3
Louis CK
Time Machine
1 I have this friend,ย he has a phone that can IM. 2 He can instant message. 3 And so now I really want him to die, because Iโm sick of getting these fucking messages from him onย his phone. 4 โIโm in a shoe store.โ 5 Thatโs the whole message! 6 Weโre not secret agents, I donโt need to know where you are. 7 So I get this message from him, he says, โIโm on anย airplane in Seattle.โ 8 Soย I wrote back and I said, โWell, I hope your plane crashes.โ 9 And he gets pissed off and he calls me. 10 โTake it back, weโre about to take off.โ 11 Iโm like, โFuck you, I hope itย crashes. I donโt have to take it back.โ 13 Hope it crashes twice. 14 Hope it crashes and kills half of you and they go, โFuck it, letโs fly again,โ and theyย take off and crash again. 15 Iย hope that happens. 16 Sincerely I hope it. 17 And he-he tries to make it-he goes, โWell, how are you gonna feel now if my plane crashes after you wentย and said that?โ 18 Iโm like, "Areย you shittinโ me? That would be amazing! 19 To know that I can do that? 20 Iโd happily trade your life for knowledge of my powers." 21 Heโs one of those guys who just makes you hate him. 22 Because, uh, you know when you have a friend that you hate? 23 You canโt break up with your friends, you know? 24 He always starts conversations that Iย donโt want to have, you know?ย 25 Heโs like, โHey, what would you do if you had a time machine?โ 26 Iโm like, "Fuck you. I donโt โ you know what? I wouldnโt use it. 27 Iโd just let it sitย in my house. 28 Iโd put a drink onย it, you know? 29 I got a time machine, I never even went in it. 30 I donโt know, Iโm not interested. 31 Iโd use it to go back 30 minutes ago and punchย you in the fucking face before youย ask me that. 32 Thatโs all. One use. 33 So he goes, โWell, hereโs what I would do.โ 34 โCause of course thatโs the whole fucking point of asking me is to stare at me while I say mine, and then say his. 35 So he said if he had a time machine, he wouldโve killed Hitler, like, he would go back and kill Hitler. 36 I love that he thinks he could just kill Hitler justย โcause he just goes back there and walk up and kill the dude. 37 And I was thinking, "Thatโs a noble purpose for a time machine, I would doย that." 38 But... I wouldโve gone back with him, but I wouldnโt have killed Hitler. 39 I wouldโve raped him--thatโs what I thought. 40 Because I think that wouldโve been enough. 41 I think thatย wouldโve stopped him from doing all thatย shit. 42 If he had been raped by me, he never wouldโve pulled any of that stuff, man. 43 โShould we invade Poland?โ 44 โNo, Iโll just take aย shower, I donโt feel good... Low self- esteem." 45 And, you knowโฆ Iโm not condoning rape. 46 Obviously, you should never rape anyone. 47 Um, unless you have a reason, like you want to fuck somebody and they wonโt let you, in which case, uhโฆ โ what other option do you have? 48 How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you donโt rape them?ย 49 Like, what the fuck? 50 Ha ha ha. Ok. 51 Thatโs fucked up.
| SHAMELESS | CHEWED UP | HILARIOUS | BEACON | OH MY GOD | 2017 |