Time Machine

Shameless 3

Louis CK


Time Machine


1 I have this friend, he has a phone that can IM. 2 He can instant message. 3 And so now I really want him to die, because I’m sick of getting these fucking messages from him on his phone. 4 “I’m in a shoe store.” 5 That’s the whole message! 6 We’re not secret agents, I don’t need to know where you are. 7 So I get this message from him, he says, “I’m on an airplane in Seattle.” 8 So I wrote back and I said, “Well, I hope your plane crashes.” 9 And he gets pissed off and he calls me. 10 “Take it back, we’re about to take off.” 11 I’m like, “Fuck you, I hope it  crashes. I don’t have to take it back.” 13 Hope it crashes twice. 14 Hope it crashes and kills half of you and they go, “Fuck it, let’s fly again,” and they  take off and crash again. 15 I  hope that happens. 16 Sincerely I hope it. 17 And he-he tries to make it-he goes, “Well, how are you gonna feel now if my plane crashes after you went  and said that?” 18 I’m like, "Are  you shittin’ me? That would be amazing! 19 To know that I can do that? 20 I’d happily trade your life for knowledge of my powers." 21 He’s one of those guys who just makes you hate him. 22 Because, uh, you know when you have a friend that you hate? 23 You can’t break up with your friends, you know? 24 He always starts conversations that I don’t want to have, you know?  25 He’s like, “Hey, what would you do if you had a time machine?” 26 I’m like, "Fuck you. I don’t – you know what? I wouldn’t use it. 27 I’d just let it sit  in my house. 28 I’d put a drink on  it, you know? 29 I got a time machine, I never even went in it. 30 I don’t know, I’m not interested. 31 I’d use it to go back 30 minutes ago and punch you in the fucking face before you ask me that. 32 That’s all. One use. 33 So he goes, “Well, here’s what I would do.” 34 ‘Cause of course that’s the whole fucking point of asking me is to stare at me while I say mine, and then say his. 35 So he said if he had a time machine, he would’ve killed Hitler, like, he would go back and kill Hitler. 36 I love that he thinks he could just kill Hitler just  ’cause he just goes back there and walk up and kill the dude. 37 And I was thinking, "That’s a noble purpose for a time machine, I would do that." 38 But... I would’ve gone back with him, but I wouldn’t have killed Hitler. 39 I would’ve raped him--that’s what I thought. 40 Because I think that would’ve been enough. 41 I think that would’ve stopped him from doing all that shit. 42 If he had been raped by me, he never would’ve pulled any of that stuff, man. 43 “Should we invade Poland?” 44 “No, I’ll just take a  shower, I don’t feel good... Low self- esteem." 45 And, you know… I’m not condoning rape. 46 Obviously, you should never rape anyone. 47 Um, unless you have a reason, like you want to fuck somebody and they won’t let you, in which case, uh… – what other option do you have? 48 How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don’t rape them?  49 Like, what the fuck? 50 Ha ha ha. Ok. 51 That’s fucked up.


| SHAMELESS | CHEWED UP | HILARIOUS | BEACON | OH MY GOD | 2017 |

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